Week Three

Week Three:  Shepherds (2), Sheep, Gregor

 

 

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Gregor: I’m singing a Gregor song

If you like Gregor sing along

But if you love Gregor clap your hands

Now it’s time to make a stand

(Everybody)

I’m singing a Gregor song

 

(Shepherds have been walking in while all this is happening)

 

Donny Shepherd:  Gee mate, what did that poor frog do to you?

Gregor:  ..If you love Gregor sing along

Barry Shepherd: No really…

Gregor:  What is the meaning of this?

Donny: You tell me mate, they’re your words.

Gregor:  Why have you chosen to interrupt Gregor?

Barry:  Ears mate.

Donny: We’ve only got two, mate.

Barry: Four, mate. Between us.

Donny: Ah yeah. Four mate. Between us.

Gregor: That is as it may be but.

Donny: Although one of mine doesn’t work mate.

Barry: That’s right mate.

Donny: The left one mate.

Barry: I forgot mate.

Donny: So does that make it three mate?

Barry: Three what mate?

Donny: Ears mate.  Between us.

Barry: Got me there mate. 

Gregor:  When you have quite finished…  What is the meaning of this interruption?  I was composing my Gregor Oratorio, designed as the overwhelming theme in Gregor the Opera, and you wander in here mating mating mating…

Donny: Steady on, mate.

Gregor: and completely ruining my flow.  What is the meaning, I ask once more, of this rude and unpardonable interruption?

Barry: Oh we were just looking for somewhere to bring the sheep mate.

Donny: Somewhere safe for them to graze mate.

Gregor: Sheep? What sheep?

Barry: Well that’s just it mate.

Donny: Your singing mate.

Barry: It scared them away mate.  Now we don’t know where they’ve gone.

Donny: Voice like a Chihuahua being pulled backwards through a rosebush, mate.  No offence, mate.

Barry: Yeah, no offence, mate.

Gregor: I’ve often wondered what it is about those words…”No offence” that seem to allow you to say whatever you like afterwards… I…

Angel:  Do not be afraid

Barry, Donny and Gregor: AAAAAAH!!! (barry and Donny add “mate”)

Angel: No, I said do NOT be afraid.

Barry, Donny and Gregor: AAAAAHHH!!! (mate)

Angel: I am bringing you important news.  A baby is being born today in Bethlehem.  A new king born for you.  You will go to Bethlehem, and you’ll know him because he’s lying in a manger.

Barry Donny: AAAAAH! (mate)

Gregor: No, wait I know this.  This is an angel. 

Barry: What mate?

Gregor: An angel.  I keep hearing about this baby.

Angel: And now we shall sing praises to God.  (breaks into a Carol)

Gregor: OOOOOhhhh that sounds awful.  Go away rotten singing angel.

Donny: What d’you mean mate?

Barry:  It sounds so beautiful mate.

Donny:  Makes me want to cry mate.

Barry: Not like your singing mate.

Donny: Nah, yours makes me want to be sick mate.

Barry: No offence mate.

Donny: Ah yeah, no offence mate.

Gregor: No offence indeed.  Well the angel has spoken, and then sung.  You two are going to have to see the baby.

Barry: What baby mate?

Gregor: The baby you just heard about.  The one being born in Bethlehem.  The new king.  That was your invitation we just heard.

Donny:  From an Angel mate?

Gregor: Yes. From an Angel  You should go and see the baby. It seems they are inviting even ugly, dirty, smelly, boring, wall-eyed, cloth-eared, cross-eyed, foul-breathed, knobble kneed,  toothless wonder, backwards thinking, underworked and overcompensated   village idiots.  Oh. No offence.

Donny: What mate?

Barry: Sorry mate. Stopped listening a while ago.

Gregor: It doesn’t matter. Just go.

Donny: Where mate?

Gregor: BETHLEHEM.

Barry: Fair go mate. No need to shout.

Donny: We’d best be off then mate.  See yer.

Barry: Yeah.  See yer mate.

Gregor: I’m singing a Gregor song.

If you love me sing along…

Wait a minute…. Why is Gregor not invited?

Copyright © Gareth Darlow 2008.

Week Four

Week Four

 

 

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Gregor:

I’m singing a Gregor Song

If you love me sing along

But if you love Gregor then surely you

should bring him lots of presents too

 

Ah hello there small children.  And bigger children.  And strange looking children. How are you?…. Yes I don’t really care.  Who has a present for Gregor?  Nobody? Of course.

 

Well I need to ask for your help today.  Can  you help Gregor?  I have been watching all of the foolishness for the last few weeks, and after quite a lot of thought, I have decided that I am very sad.  You see, first the foolish angel told the angry woman that she was going to have a baby in a place called Bethlehem. That was alright. Babies are disgusting and smelly things, and Gregor wants no part of such goings on. 

 

But then there are the Wise men and they get an invitation to see the baby. And then the smelly shepherds.  Why do smelly shepherds get to see the baby but not Gregor?  I have come to Bethlehem.  Nobody must know I am here.  I will hide, and see the baby from this secret place.  Can you help me keep my secret?  Just don’t tell anyone I’m here.

 

Gregor Hides as Mary and Joseph and the baby come in and sit down.

 

Joseph: (looking around) Well, it’s not much but it’s home.

Mary: I guess.. For the sheep at least.

Joseph: Yeah I’m sorry Mary.  My uncle’s a big fish in a small pond, and…

Mary: I know.  I’m surprised we’re even allowed in the stable.

Joseph: Yeah.  Let me have a look at him. (looks at the baby)  Hello little Jesus.  I’m your daddy.  I’m going to look after you and….

 

The Wise men call out as they enter…  

 

Kim:  Knock Knock… Anybody there? 

Mary: Hello?

James: We’re looking for a baby.

Joseph:  Well we’ve got a baby if that helps.

Kim: Actually I’m looking for a…

James: But what are you doing in here?  This is where all the animals are.  Surely it’s not very clean.

Kim: Can anyone direct me to a…

James: As we were coming in I saw a lamb going to the toilet on the floor.

Kim: Funny you should mention that, I need….

Homer: Oh for goodness’ sake.  It’s over there.

Kim: Thanks… runs away

Homer: Sorry about that.

Mary: Not at all.

Homer: I suppose you know this already, but that’s quite a special baby you have there.  Mind if we take a look?

Joseph: Go ahead. 

Homer and James peer in at the baby

James: Oh, it’s beautiful.  We should give it the gifts.

Homer: We’d better wait until our colleague gets back. Otherwise we’ll never hear the end of it.

 

The Shepherds appear, driving in some sheep.

 

Donny: Gidday mate.

Barry: We’re here mate.

Donny: Yeah we’ve come to see the baby mate.

Barry: Is that alright mate?

Mary: Um. Sure.  It’s getting a bit crowded here isn’t it?

Donny: Sorry mate.  It’s the sheep.  Should we leave them outside mate?

Barry: Dunno mate.  You want us to leave them outside mate?

Joseph: No mate.  The more the merrier… mate.

Donny: I got a feeling mate… You and us are going to get on just fine.

Barry: Yeah mate.  Just fine.

Joseph: Mate.

Barry and Donny: Maate.

 

Kim slips back in to look at the baby.

 

Kim: Oh he’s beautiful.

James: Can I ask what you’ve called him?

Joseph: Jesus mate.  James looks affronted. Sorry.  Jesus.

 

Over the last exchange, Gregor has been peering over the top of the thing, trying to see the baby.  If the kids haven’t been pointing him out, then people catch sight of him now.

 

Donny: Hey mate

Barry: What mate?

Donny: It’s the little red thing mate.  With the goggle eyes.

Barry: So it is mate.  Gidday mate.
Gregor:  Oh, I, um…

Homer: I know you.  You helped us find this place.

Gregor: Yes, I did.  I am Gregor.

Mary: I know that name from somewhere.  Are you… Did you… What are you doing hiding here in the stable?

Gregor: I heard that a new king was going to be born.  I helped you all find your way here, but of course Gregor is not invited.  I am sorry.  I will go.

Mary: Would you like a look Gregor?  Would you like to see my baby?

Gregor: Of course not.  Babies are ugly and smelly and…. could I really have a look?

Joseph: Why not? Everyone else is.

Gregor: Perhaps that would be nice.

James: Excuse me, but have you thought about what you’re doing?

Mary: What do you mean?

Donny: Well it’s this bloke mate.

Barry: You haven’t met him, have you mate?

Bart: He’s a little….

Kim: Unusual.

Bart: Some anger management issues.

Kim: He tends to shout.

James: Perhaps he’s not quite the kind of person I’d be letting see a new king.

Barry: (to Gregor) No offence mate.

Gregor: Stop.  You are all correct.  Gregor is just an angry little red man who shouts a lot and asks for too many presents.  I wouldn’t let me see a new king either.  I will go.

Homer: Well, it all depends on the type of  king he’s going to be.

Joseph: What?

Homer: Well I’ve seen a lot of kings. Sad people, most of them. They’re born in big castles, grow up in big castles, live in big castles and then they die in big castles.  They fill their big castles with money and soldiers, and then they bully the people they’re supposed to protect.  When a king like that is born, he only meets other kings, rich important people and members of his own family.  Not shouty little orange dudes.  But are we dealing with a king like that?

Mary: Well my son certainly wasn’t born in a castle.

Joseph: And I won’t be teaching him to bully anyone.

Mary: We don’t know anyone rich and important, and little Jesus needs a friend of some kind.

Gregor: Perhaps even a reddish orange, grumpy, goggle eyed friend?

Homer: You know, I think for this king, that’s exactly the right kind of friend.

Joseph: Gregor,  do you want to see the baby?

Gregor: Well… just to make you happy.

Mary carries the baby up so that Gregor can see him.

Gregor: Hello little Jesus.  How are you today?  So now there is a king even for Gregor?  That is almost as good as many presents.  I shall sing.

Barry: Oh no mate.

Donny: Not that “Gregor Song” mate.

Gregor: No.  Although that is a beautiful and meaningful song, and its virtues are not to be underestimated. But there may be a song which is almost as good.  Everybody?  You will help.

Everyone stays while we sing silent night, and then all exit. 

 

 Copyright © Gareth Darlow, 2008.