A perfect scheme foiled

Gregor has been thinking.  This is something Gregor is good at, perhaps too good.

For example, yesterday I was engaged in a trivial pursuit, something worthy of no great discussion. I was approached by a man who asked me what I was doing dressed as an old lady and wearing enormous sunglasses.  He then suggested that the middle of the bread aisle in the supermarket was no fit place to be erecting a tent, and that brandishing a crystal ball at people and wailing “Cross my palm with silver.  Go On. CROSS IT!”  was disturbing the other customers.

I explained a number of things to him about the wisdom of brown shoes with black pants, particularly on large men with amusing moustaches and bad breath and in the end was thrown bodily from the supermarket.  This was a great disappointment.

Because Gregor is used to being at church in Montrose.  I am used talking to people where I can  say whatever I like and perhaps shout a little.  I like being in a place where anybody can say whatever they like and be whoever they are and nobody is picked up, whirled around somebody’s head and hurled bodily out into the street.

Except that one time. But Gareth had it coming.

Gregor Idol

Well I have decided to show you another one of my adventures.  It was a great adventure, in which i met a large number of very stupid people,  and showed them my great superiority over them.  Unfortunately my scribe… my Dr. Watson so to speak.. Gareth… has chosen not to show Gregor in quite the great light he is usually shown in.

So enjoy this great adventure of Gregor’s and try to imagine it as if Gregor were more important and the things he said were better.

That is all.

Gregor Idol Week One

Players: Angel & Gregor
Props: Bit of paper where Gregor has written his “Rules for being Gregor’s best Friend”.

Gregor appears, feeling a bit disconsolate.

Gregor: Weeks. Weeks it’s been and nobody calls Gregor… no. When I see people at the shops it’s all… Oh… There are people here. Hello. I am Gregor. And you are people. This is good. Gregor loves people. Unless they have sticky hands. Gregor doesn’t like people with sticky hands. Do you? Show me your hands. SHOW ME YOUR HANDS. Ok. The back row can stay. And maybe the front row… There are some very good looking people here. And some quite ugly ones… Gregor thinks the band should leave.

Looks around

I have been thinking. There is a problem you see… I have been looking for a best friend, and there aren’t that many suitable candidates. You need to be nice, and funny, and good looking (but not as good looking as Gregor).. You need to be healthy because I don’t want to look after you when you are sick. You need to be happy, because I don’t like gloomy people. It is important that you are very rich. If you are not very rich, how will you give Gregor presents? It is very difficult.

So I have decided that I am going to run a contest. It will be called “Gregor Idol”. The prize will be that you get to be Gregor’s best friend. For a while. We will see how that works out. So… I want you all to form a line in front of Gregor. Come now…

Angel appears

Angel: Oh dear. Gregor what are you doing?

Gregor: Sorry, no blondes allowed.

Angel: What?

Gregor: I mean it. Wait. I know you from somewhere…
Angel: Do you?

Gregor: Yes. I think you were very annoying and a little bit stupid.

Angel: No that can’t have been me. Or maybe it could. I’m feeling a little confused.  I get… confused… sometimes. Or do I? Yes. Yes I do.

Gregor: Yes… Just wait a minute my Angelic acquaintance. Is it possible that somebody took out your brain and replaced it with some kind of bouncy ball? Because you’re not making any sense at all just now.

Angel: I’m just a little confused. Or a lot confused. I came in here to tell you a story, and now I don’t remember what year it is and you were asking the children to make a line and…. Wait. Why were you doing that?

Gregor: It was for Gregor Idol.

Angel: Gregor what?

Gregor: Gregor Idol. I was going to have the children line up and then find two odd looking fools to talk to them… but I think we might have that covered.

Angel: Just tell me… What precisely is Gregor Idol?

Gregor: It is the greatest competition in Australia. It is the competition to be Gregor’s best friend. It costs only three hundred dollars to enter.

Angel: Three hundred dollars? That’s a lot of money. What do you get if you win?

Gregor: You get to be my best friend. You get to take me to the beach, and buy me nice cold drinks, and massage my head, and take me on holidays, and drive me to the shops, and make me cakes, and sometimes I’m allowed to shout at you for no good reason. You know. The usual thing.

Angel: Um… are you sure that’s what a best friend does?

Gregor: Not just any best friend… Gregor’s best friend.

Angel: Oh. Is that what your best friend now does?

Gregor: I don’t have a best friend at the moment.

Angel: Um..

Gregor: That is why there is the competition.

Angel: Gregor Idol.

Gregor: That’s right. Gregor Idol.

Angel: And what will you do for your best friend?

Gregor: I don’t understand.

Angel: Well… if your best friend does all those nice things for you… what will you do for them?

Gregor: What are you talking about?

Angel: Well friends help eachother Gregor. They don’t just have one person who does nice things for the other. Things are better when people help eachother.

Gregor: I think you have gone doolally.

Angel: No, listen Gregor…

Gregor: Don’t listen to the crazy angel children. He’s frightening and wrong.

The angel keeps talking while Gregor hums disbelievingly… getting more and more annoyed.. finishing up with a raised voice on the last sentence.

Angel: Gregor I know this doesn’t seem to make sense to you but…. Listen… People can’t just be selfish all the time… because… if you just try and help eachother… Gregor… WE’RE ALL CONNECTED!

Gregor: What?

Angel: We’re all connected. Things don’t just happen to me.. they happen to us. If something nice happens to me I try and share… like at the moment, I have this great news to tell. I like to tell good news. It makes me happy, and it might make the children happy and it might even make you happy. If you listen.

Gregor: To you.

Angel: Yes.

Gregor: Alright Gregor Idol contestants. We will listen to the crazy angel. For a minute. But if she’s too crazy we will go back to the competition.

Angel: I just got to share great news with a woman called Mary. She’s going to have a baby, and it will be very special.

Gregor: Because it will be a baby made of Gold?

Angel: No. What?
Gregor: Because it will be called Gregor?

Angel: No. You said you’d listen. The baby will be very special because it will be God’s baby. I got to tell Mary that she was going to have God’s baby. She was so excited she went and sang a song about it. It’s going to be such an important baby.

Gregor: Well that is all very good… But why does Gregor care?

Angel: Because Gregor… we’re all connected. I keep telling you.

Gregor: you make no sense.

Angel: Just wait. Trust me on this one.

They disappear

Gregor Idol by Gareth Darlow is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 2.5 Australia License.

Gregor Idol Week 2

Players: Angel, Gregor, Star
Props: Little Mirror, Costume for Star.

Gregor: Good afternoon children. And welcome to Gregor Idol. This is my co-host… Angel? Angel? Where are you?… Oh that’s right. She said she wouldn’t do this with me. Something about “you great silly red galoot” or something like that.

Anyway… Welcome to Gregor Idol. I have been waiting for all of the entries to roll in… but nobody has paid the entry fee. Perhaps Three hundred dollars is a little too much. From now on, the competition is free. That is correct. For absolutely no money at all, you can enter the competition to be Gregor’s best friend. All you need to do is fill out the entry forms I have left there for you, provide five forms of identity and written proof that if you are selected for Gregor Idol, you will be available for the whole of next year to be Gregor’s best friend. You will need to give me a mobile number so that I can contact you at any time so that you can bring me snacks or find my mittens or write a little song for me about Gregor being the greatest person in the whole world… It should go a little like this;

Gregor is the best.
Yes Gregor is brilliant
If everyone was more like Gregor
What a happy world this would be.
Gregor is the best….

Angel: Hello Gregor… That’s an interesting song.

Gregor: It has twenty nine more verses.

Angel: Twenty nine? Right… Perhaps you could sing it to me another time.

Gregor: I could sing it to you now…. “Oh Gregor is wonderful…”

Angel: Not now Gregor. There’s somebody I want you to meet.

Gregor: A contestant for Gregor Idol?

Angel: I don’t think so. Gregor. Have you ever met a real life star?

Gregor: No.

Angel: Well today we’re going to. A real-life star is going to be here any minute. But like all stars he’ll be happier if we give him some applause. Children… are you ready to meet a star?

Kids: Yeeeesss

Angel: Well, he’s come all the way from the third Galaxy on the left…. Get your hands a’clapping and your feet a’stomping. Put your hands together and welcome Starry the Star of Stars!!!

Applause…. Starry comes through the door and up the aisle… looking cool, shaking hands with some of the kids… cheesy grins all round.

Starry: Thankyou. Thankyou very much. It’s good to be here today. Oh yeah. ZIM! ZAM! KAPOW! FOOM!

Angel: Starry this is Gregor. Gregor, Starry.

Starry: Yo. How you doin’ Daddio? ZAM!

Gregor: I am not your daddy. Oh.

Starry: Well no, but…

Gregor: You seem quite old…

Starry: Just in my prime baby… Just in my prime. KAPOW!

Gregor: and you seem to have no intellect whatsoever.

Starry: Ummmm… Thankyou. Thankyouverramuch.

Gregor: Angel… just come here for a moment…

Angel: Yes?

Gregor: Why have you brought this star to talk to me? It is confusing. I am supposed to be the best looking person in the room. But this shiny star… everyone will look at him and not me.

Angel: I don’t think so Gregor… but I had to bring him. He’s doing a very important job at the moment.

Starry: I sure am Momma. I sure am. See, there’s these wise cats…

Gregor: Wise…cats?

Starry: Wise men dude… Wise men. Kind of squares but…they’re real wise. And I’m guiding them right on in here, to see the big feller’s Rugrat. ZIM!

Gregor: So there are these three square cats with some kind of cat wisdom. Do they eat square mice? Or perhaps they have developed some form of primitive cat-based language.

Starry: No, man… Come on… Get with the lingo.

Gregor: The limbo? Now you are just trying to make Gregor angry.

Angel: Gregor, just listen. Starry talks in a funny way. He’s a star.

Starry: Yes I am. Pulls out a mirror and starts posing in front of it… winking and blowing himself kisses, whispering his stupid noises to himself..

Angel: And all stars talk like that. What he means is that there are some wise men who want to come and see God’s baby. Now can everybody stop talking about cats? I’m feeling very confused and I have an odd feeling that I should be talking to a cat. There are no cats here are there?… No. Good.

Gregor: Meow.

Angel: What?

Gregor: I said Now. Now… tell me about this annoying fellow here.

Angel: Well. He is a little bit annoying, I know. But he’s the brightest star in the sky. God told me that there were these wise men and they wanted to come and see God’s baby when he’s born. They’re bringing him presents and everything. But they tried to find this place, and they got lost. They really weren’t sure how to get here. So, I went and got Starry. He’s going to lead them here.

Gregor: Lead the wise men here? That sounds like a fun job. But why this clown in spangles?

Starry: Cause I’m Starry, man. Brightest of the bright. Coolest of the Cool. Hottest of the Hot. Star to the Stars.

Angel: Yes. Starry is going to lead them. Starry is going to spend every night standing in the sky over where the baby is. Whenever the wise men get lost, they can look up into the sky, and just head towards him.

Starry: Everybody does Momma. Everybody does. ZAM!

Angel: Starry is going to be the most famous star in history. People will be painting pictures of him and singing songs about him for hundreds of years.

Starry: Oh yeah. Starry the star.

Gregor: But this is not fair. Today was supposed to be Gregor’s day. Gregor Idol. Not Starry Idol. Where does Gregor fit in to this story?

Angel: We’re all connected Gregor. You will have a part to play.

Gregor: No. I will play this part. Starry, you can go. I will lead the wise men here. I’ll do it like this. “WISE MEN. COME THIS WAY. OVER HERE YOU STUPID WISE MEN. NO, NOT THERE. HERE. COME TO GREGOR.”

Angel: Gregor…

Gregor: Yes?

Angel: Stop shouting. That’s even more annoying than Starry.

Gregor: Sorry.

Gregor Idol by Gareth Darlow is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 2.5 Australia License.

Gregor Idol Week 3

Players: Angel, Gregor, Smoochy
• Props: Really terrible costume for Gregor:
……………………………………………………………………………………………

Angel: Good afternoon children. I’m very excited about this Advent workshop. Are there any cats here?  No. Where are the cats? Who are they? What year is it? Oh dear. Gregor. He’s always here. Where is he?

Gregor: OK everybody; Get your hoops a twirling and your shoes a bouncing and your somethings something else. Give it up for… GREGOR… Yaaaaay. Appears wearing a very sad copy of Starry’s costume

Angel: Oh dear.

Gregor: Yes. It is Gregor… brightest star in the cupboard. BANG!.

Angel: Gregor….. what are you wearing?

Gregor: Hello Daddio. Or Mummio. Sistero? I forget. Anyway, it is I. Gregor the star. No. Not Gregor. I am Gregor-y the best starry star star. Kaboom!

Angel: Gregor, stop it. What are you doing? Why are you pretending to be a star?

Gregor: Well it’s very difficult. Gregor is good looking, and popular, and everybody wishes they were like him.

Angel: Ummm. Ok…

Gregor: But Gregor is lonely. So I set up Gregor Idol. A competition for people who want to be Gregor’s best friend.. There was a prize and everything. You got to be Gregor’s best friend.

Angel: I don’t think friendship is about competition Gregor. You just… make friends.

Gregor: That is easy for you to say. You are connected to this exciting story. God chose you to go and tell Mary and Joseph about God’s baby. You got to go with exciting news, and so everybody likes you. And that star we met last week… Starry. He is connected to this story. He gets to shine brightly in the sky every night, to show the wise men where this baby is. And so, even though he is interested only in himself, and has not even the people skills of Gregor, he is connected. Everybody loves Starry. Everybody has pictures of Starry on their walls.

But Gregor? Only Gregor has pictures of Gregor.

Angel: But you are connected to this story Gregor… you just have to wait and see how.

Gregor: I cannot wait. I am sad and lonely, and a little bit hungry. I want to guide someone here. I will be the star today. Let me guide somebody here.

Angel: I’m not sure if that’s a good idea Gregor. And nearly everyone is here already.

Gregor: I want to guide somebody here. I made this costume and everything.

Angel: Well… I suppose there’s the shepherds. They’re on their way now.

Gregor: Shepherds. Yes. I will guide them here. Begins to dance and sing
Heyyy Shepherds.
Follow the voice of Gregor the star.
Find me here Shepherds,
And bring me a mirror so I can look at me,
Gregor the star..

Smoochy: Cripes that’s an awful racket. Cut it out, will you?

Gregor: But I am Gregor the star… Oh. It is you. A dog.

Smoochy: Yeah. The toughest meanest sheepdog in the west.

Gregor: Hello tough mean sheepdog; what is your name?

Smoochy: Oh that doesn’t matter. How are you Gregor? And what kind of Galah have you come dressed as?

Gregor: I am a star, Dog. Hmmm… Dog. But that is not your name, is it?

Smoochy: You know I hate my name… Don’t make me angry. Grrrrrr.

Angel: Gregor, don’t tease Smooch… sorry. The dog.

Gregor: That is it. Smoochy Pootikins. Hello Smoochy Pootikins. Children, say hello to Smoochy Pootikins, the sheepdog.

Smoochy: Barks. I’ll get you Gregor… I’ll bark and bark until your ears fall off.

Angel: It won’t be worse than Gregor’s singing.

Smoochy: Too right. What was that all about?
Gregor: I was leading you here.

Smoochy: I know the way here. I could have done without the sound effects. What’s this I hear about you having a competition?

Gregor: Ah yes. Gregor Idol. I have laid out a series of challenges, and the person who completes them all, evading sudden death at every turn, wins the chance to be my best friend for a year.

Smoochy: Sounds like a bit of a dud to me, mate. Got many contestants?

Gregor: Nearly one. Is that why you have come? To enter Gregor Idol?

Smoochy: Nup. I’m here with the shepherds. Come to see the baby.

Angel: I told you Gregor. The shepherds want to see God’s baby too.

Smoochy: Yeah. We were out on the hillside the other night, lookin’ after the sheep. I was chasing away a dingo when all of a sudden, there they were.

Gregor: Who?

Smoochy: Angel here, and about two thousand of her closest mates. All up in the sky, singing a song about this baby that’s being born. Glory in the highest and all that. It was a pretty song, mate. Better than that rubbish you were singing a minute ago. It was pretty cool that God wanted us to see his baby. Being a sheepdog, you don’t think God worries about you much, but there it was. Angels, telling just us shepherds and sheepdog to go see God’s baby. Made us feel all connected.

Gregor: Ohhhhh.

Smoochy: It was such a pretty song that me and all the shepherds decided to wander along and have a look. Is the baby here yet?

Angel: Not yet, dog. Next week, I hope.

Smoochy: Goodo. I’ll tell the fellers. We’ll have a feed and put our feet up.

Gregor: And join my competition?

Smoochy: Gregor..

Gregor: Yes?

Smoochy: No offense mate, but if you put me on a leash, and threatened to give me to a family full of small kids with sticky fingers, who wanted to dress me up in their dollie’s clothes….

Gregor: Yes?

Smoochy: I still wouldn’t be joinin’ your competition.

Gregor: Oh.

Gregor Idol by Gareth Darlow is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 2.5 Australia License.

Gregor Idol Week 4

Players: Angel, Gregor, Star, Smoochy, Advent Procession
Props: Stuff for the Advent procession

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Angel: Good morning everyone. NO. Good afternoon. It’s Tuesday isn’t it? Oh dear. Where am I?

Starry: You’re here baby… with me.

Angel: Oh. Hello Starry.

Starry: Zim! Zang! Kapow! Starry… brightest of the bright, coolest of the cool, star to the stars. Choing!

Angel: Yes, thanks for that. I was going to meet someone here… There’s something supposed to be happening.

Starry: Well Momma, I was going to shine like I never shone before… Wanna watch? Pulls out the mirror to pose in again

Angel: No. Gregor. I’m sure I was meeting Gregor here today. For some reason…

Gregor and Smoochy appear

Gregor: ….And then you need to feed me porridge until I burp… Oh. It is the children again. Hello Children. (response) Hello Smoochy.

Smoochy: Gidday mate.

Gregor: Hello Angel.

Angel: Hello Gregor.

Gregor looks at the Star but doesn’t say anything. He turns his back.

Starry: Yo, red rocket guy… Where’s Starry’s greeting? ZAM!

Gregor: Oh dear. It is that annoying Star again.

Starry: Gajangle!

Smoochy: What’s his problem?

Gregor: This is how he is. All the time. What are you doing here Angel?

Angel: I don’t remember. I just don’t remember. I wanted to tell you all something, but I’m so confused. And then Starry showed up and kept saying Zim and Zam,

Starry: ZIM! ZAM!

Angel:…and that made it worse.

Starry: KAPOW!

Smoochy: Yeah right. He’s a bit of a drongo isn’t he? Want me to bite him?

Gregor: Yes please.

Angel: No. No Smoochy, the star is very important today.

Smoochy: Why?

Angel: That’s it! That’s what I wanted to tell you. I remember now. Today is the most important day. Today is the day when we meet the baby! God’s baby.

Starry: What? Just step back one crazy-livin’ second, Angel-features. I thought today was all about Starry? ZIM!

Angel: No starry. Today is not all about you..

Starry: But I’m always the main attraction…

Gregor: It might be your day… your day to get bitten. Smoochy?

Smoochy: No worries mate. Grrrrrrr

Angel: Today is all about the baby. That’s what’s so important. That’s what I’ve been waiting to tell you all this time. Mary and Joseph have had their baby. It was very late at night when they got into town, and they had to sleep in a stable. But Mary had the baby and his name is Jesus.

Smoochy: Beauty! I’ve been waiting for this little kid… now we get to see him? I better let the shepherds know… Fellers… over here.

Angel: Starry?

Starry: Yo?

Angel: Put away your mirror. It’s your time to shine… Guide the wise men in. Look everyone, here they come.

Starry: That’s it Daddio… Come to Starry. Oh yeah. BAZOINGO!

Starry stands shining for the Advent group
Joseph, Mary, Jesus, Shepherds, sheep, Wise men et.al all come up the aisle and take their places on the stage.

Angel: Aren’t they beautiful Gregor? Just look at them.

Gregor: Yes. Whatever.

Smoochy: Why the long face, mate?

Gregor: It is all over for another year, and Gregor is still lonely. Everybody else has a part. You get to come with the Shepherds to see the baby, the angel gets to tell Joseph and Mary. Even that silly Star gets to shine in the sky so the wise men know where to go. But there is nowhere in the story for Gregor.

Smoochy: Of course there is. Right there in the manger.

Gregor: What?

Smoochy: Because of that little baby, we’re all connected. God loves us so much he becomes one of us. Right there. Because God wants to be connected to you and to me, and to angel, and even to that shiny twit over there.

Gregor: God wants to be connected to me?

Smoochy: Yeah mate. That’s the point. And because of that baby, God and you are connected. And because God and me are connected, we’re all connected to eachother.

Gregor: God wants to be connected to Gregor.

Angel: That’s right Gregor.

Gregor: So perhaps I can look at the baby? Peers down at Jesus

Angel: I think they’d be disappointed if you didn’t.

Gregor: Hello little baby. Thank you for your good work in connecting me to God. I forgive you for not being made of gold,

Smoochy: Feel better?

Gregor: Yes. Very much. Smoochy, I have decided to appoint you Gregor Idol. You win. You get to be Gregor’s best friend for the year. I will draw up a list of your responsibilities. Obviously there is the cooking and the cleaning…

Smoochy: We might have to negotiate a few things…

Gregor Idol by Gareth Darlow is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 2.5 Australia License.